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Pop Tarts "Restaurant" Opens in New York's Times Square
The brutalization of the American palate continues unabated. "Traditional" culinary abominations like American cheese and Jell-O salad are bad enough. Convenience store bean burritos violate the Geneva Conventions. And now, Kellogg has opened a Pop Tart "restaurant" in New York's Times Square. Where are the Soviet incoming missiles when they are truly needed?
For readers who have, through luck or geography, not encountered a Pop Tart, an explanation is entirely in order. They are advertised as toaster pastries, and on the most basic level they are. One places them in a toaster to warm them up, and the outer crust appears to be made from some sort of grain flour. They have a filling that is both sweet and unpalatable in a wide variety of artificial flavors.
Wikipedia is less offended by their horribleness than this journal is, but the web encyclopedia says:
Pop-Tarts are a brand of flat, rectangular, pre-baked toaster pastries made by the Kellogg Company. Pop-Tarts have a sugary filling sealed inside two layers of rectangular, thin pastry crust. Some varieties are frosted. Although sold pre-cooked, they are designed to be warmed inside a toaster. They are usually sold in pairs inside foil packages, and do not require refrigeration . . . . They are distributed mainly in the United States, but also in Canada. They can also be found in the United Kingdom and Ireland. Pop-Tarts were discontinued in Australia in 2005 and are now found only in import stores.
Yet another reason for Australia to call itself the "Lucky Country."
Thanks to the new shop in Times Square, tourists can "enjoy" four different snacks while looking for the Naked Cowboy, queuing for TKTS theatre tickets or waiting to get into Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. The menu is:
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Fluffer Butter, marshmallow spread sandwiched between two Pop-Tarts frosted fudge pastries
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Sticky Cinna Munchies, cinnamon rolls topped with cream-cheese icing and chunks of Pop-Tarts cinnamon-roll variety
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Ants on a Log: celery, peanut butter and chunks of Wild Grape Pop Tarts
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Pop-Tarts Sushi, three kinds of Pop-Tarts minced and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up [itself a plastic sort of film allegedly made from fruit].
It gets worse. Visitors can custom design their own Pop Tarts, their own 12 packs, and try 30 original recipes. At night, the store will have a light show -- in Times Square, the lights from surrounding businesses may well make it invisible.
Of course, there is a silver lining to all of this. In January 2011, Kellogg will assess the viability of the store as a business concept. If readers will sacrifice to Dionysus, perhaps the store will fail and this plague can be contained.
© Copyright 2010 by The Kensington Review, Jeff Myhre, PhD, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent. Produced using Ubuntu Linux.
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